Sleep has become so elusive

29 04 2012

Sleep has become so elusive.  These days I take this to be part of ageing.  My reasoning on this is because when you get to this stage in life although you supposedly have so much admirable wisdom, you also harbour demons you fear to face.  You therefore spend the whole of daylight in full force busy-ness, using various innovative tools and techniques to keep your eyes open; praying that an unsolicited episode of rapid onset  “power” nap will not be noticed by those for whom sleep is a blessing.

In my wet behind the ear days, I used to pity those blessed with wisdom, thinking that all that experience drained them of the energy I enjoyed at the time. Now I know the truth.  The truth is that sleeps evades us who have witnessed history in the making.  It’s not an inability to close ones eye to it but a refusal to confront and deal with the uncomfortable realities of things, most times, a situation of our own doing and making.  Sleep brings with it all the worries that the procrastinator in you has swept under the carpet.  It sometimes can be well spent literally bargaining with God till the morning hours.  This hectic battle brings amazing truth to the saying,   “it is darkest before the dawn”.   Some of us even get  so desperate for this vital part of our human lives that in desperation we down sleeping pills; drink one for the road; count sheep; exercise to the tune of exhaustion; read self help books; Google away the hours; post inspirations on face book; and tweet at “ungodly” hours, even though the spread of social media gives us the confidence that although our friends in our immediate vicinity may have drifted off into luxurious bliss, the others on the other side of the world who are apt to note the time difference follow your tweet-ful inspiration with misunderstood pity.   Unfortunately what gives you away to those who embrace the same time zone as yourself are:  the deep bags under your eyes that threaten to appear as if empowered you, are nurturing an abusive relationship.  The solution for you then is to spend a major proportion of your earnings on those deep seaweed facials on a monthly or sometimes depending on what you are dealing with that you are allowing to have power over you, on a bi-weekly basis.  The funny thing is that you continue in your warped problem solving analysis addressing symptoms even when you know good  and well that the problem tree you consulted, you know the one, the one you constructed, has reminded you what you keep shovelling in the cupboard as SO not a truth.  So you skirt around the log frame, continually beautifying the contextual analysis; identifying the imagined realities; abhorring the clarity; weighing  self designed options that are masked and developed to ensure minimum discomfort ( for the fainthearted) this is recognised as DENIAL.  You agree purported solutions with yourself formulated into an elaborate action plan; laid out in detail; addressing possible obstacles; with smart contingency plans that are loaded with “what ifs” and “just in cases”.  Your short term solution is continually evolved into many short term solutions.  Your life takes the shape of a monumental mess and it is at this point that you realise that your mistrust in addressing the reality has deprived you of the privilege of a long term solution and then it clicks many dark circles; bleeding ulcers; high blood pressure episodes; tension headaches; panic attacks later that, YES, sleep is elusive and that is because that is of your own design.  `


Beautiful Lesotho

29 04 2012

Beautiful Lesotho

My dream!

29 04 2012

I was expected to travel to the United States with all the children for 3 months and Eddie was to be left behind.  We were in a kitchen and I was opening cupboards showing him all the food I had shopped for, and gave him all the money I was leaving with him to sustain him for three months.  I remember looking at him and thinking, wow, he is looking a lot better and no longer as thin as he was when I last saw him.  I remember appreciating that he was looking like the good old days.

We were on a porch, it was an extremely beautiful and brilliantly sunny day.   He suddenly sat down on the ledge and looked at me with such a sadness that tore at the core of my heart.  I asked him what the matter was.  He just started silently crying, tears streaming down his face, crying so much that it was breaking my heart, hurting me to the core of my stomach.  I told him not to worry I would be back but in my heart even before he cried I was intending on deciding on my trip whether to come back or not.  You see, I had all the pain of all the things I had gone through with this man but his cry made me feel that abandoning him was not an option.

I tried to reassure him again the way I used to in the old days when reassurance was in order in other circumstances. “ I promise Eddie, I will be back,” but he continued to cry and finally said that he knows I will not be back.  I took his hand so that he could stand up and I hugged him holding him close to me as he continued to cry bitterly, whispering in his ear that I would be back. 

Then I immediately woke up, startled, my heart racing and in shock, to the realization that Eddie is dead.  I couldn’t believe it because it was as if he really was there and I was looking at him and I was touching him at some point in the dream, I was in a happy space, I could feel it, but Eddie is dead.  It is only when I woke up and I realized that Eddie is not alive that I became frightened.  You see, this is one of a number  of dreams about Eddie that I have had recently where it so vivid, so real.

With a mixture of fright and sadness, I exercised my faith and immediately cancelled the dream, in Jesus’ name.  With shame and a seeping anger I whispered, “Eddie go and rest”.  When I wasn’t convinced that he had not left my space I raised my voice a tad and again said, “Eddie go and rest, go away.”  Leaving me with a heart wrenching pain that threatened to overtake me, over power me to the point where a full analysis of my life up to now was required.

The debate then began with God, a debate whose length of time I do not know because it went on and on.  I screamed through my inner soul, the question, WHY, to God.  I pleaded through a pain that shook my body from the souls of my feel to the top of my head picturing that pain unceremoniously shaking God who was in front of me, shaking Him with my hands  with my demand to know the answer now, type of attitude.  Expecting pity and a typical human reply, God’s answer was thrown back to me in question form.   “Be honest, not emotional, but truly honest, look at yourself and your space, look at your dreams and your ambitions, look at your self-centered ness and your pick up and go attitude, if Eddie was with you there walking the earth and all that has happened was not in visual proximity, can you truthfully say it would have worked out with you today?  Relinquish the emotion and stand in front of Me as you are, release the would have, should have, could have, this is Me you are talking to, who knows you more than you know yourself, even though you used to lie to yourself telling yourself Eddie knew you more than you knew yourself, if Eddie called you today and you did not have visual proximity of what has happened, would you truthfully, without hesitation, drop everything and open your arms in welcome?   I know before all this happened, you had been sending prayers for restoration, prayers for love, I heard all of them, but Me, I listen to the soul, My ears feel the spirit.  I know you loved Eddie and he loved you in return, My question to you, was that enough for you?  You have visual proximity now, there is no punishment, there is no condemnation at least not from Me, My question to you is, why do you continue to punish yourself, why do you continue in condemnation of yourself, My beloved child?

Then it suddenly dawned on me that it is not Eddie who has died who is holding on to me.  It is me who is holding on to Eddie who has died. 

I am holding on to Eddie because there is a legacy of un-resolved issues that caused pain to both of us.  I am holding on to Eddie because I feel aggrieved, angry and bitter.  I am holding on to Eddie because even though he was long gone when he was alive, I would not release him.  I am holding on to Eddie because I owed him many apologies that I would dare not give him whilst he was still in existence.  I am holding on to Eddie because he left behind evidence that I feel should bow down in reverence to me.  I am holding on to Eddie because denial continues to be my best friend.  I am holding on to Eddie because I am not allowing the grieving process to take its course.  I am holding on to Eddie because in my own mind to let him go is to admit to myself that truly in death there is a change and that change does not incorporate memories of anything that was planted, that was nurtured, that as we who are living hold on to those who have died to this world, we do so with the hope of reuniting and reviving that which has faded away forever. 

Finally, I am holding on to Eddie because truthfully speaking it feels like an abomination to say he is dead!

In the element of things!

28 04 2012

I am in my element today.  Seeing many different perspectives of self; making strong justifiable sensical decisions on which shoe to wear today and which size to reveal on this unpredictable day.  I am reviewing the various options today.  Trying them on one by one, literally taking on the proverbial saying, “if the shoe fits”.  Discarding and throwing away the ill fitting; back breaking; ankle twisting; crooked walking, uneven not clear sense of fashion they represent. 

I am in the auction mode today, purposely using elaborate precision throwing non conforming shoes to the lowest bidder.  Packing them squashed in a cardboard box; jumping on top up and down, up and down, making sure no space is wasted, no room not even for marginal error; taking the air out of them.  Wouldn’t want the high maintenance of dealing with mistakenly left shoes or those that merely slipped my vision while I was distracted for the moment.  Don’t want to deal with corns and bunions of guilt due to lack of indecision when it is clear as day is to night that suffering in the name of fashion is neither sustainable nor does it exhibit an ounce of maturity.

I am feeling charitable today.  Everything is priced £0 to go!  This is a new day and it won’t be wasted with my mind battling with other conflicting parts of self.  Turmoil takes a back seat and discernment takes the steering wheel.  Good ole common sense dominates this closet.  Grace in walking the straight and narrow; moving through the day like a super model floating through fluffy clouds, dressed to the T, all eyes on my feet; all respectful arrows pointed at me.   Self doubt that fool, self criminalisation; self denial along with envy; jealousy; and ill-appointed desire crunch under foot in my brand new shoes.  In my new shoes, I am in my element in the joy of today.  I make my mark, my mark is made!

Ode to Admire

28 04 2012

Our meeting was unexpected.  He was getting over a loss I was going through a loss.  We hit it off instantly.  He had what I needed and I was all he needed. 

We grew to love each other with a passion so indescribable that it was only articulated by us not just through verbalisation or even physical touch.  It was as if we had our own secret communication, a dance with the eyes, a wisp of breathe on the cheek, an invisible knowing smile that appreciated the well being of each other.

 I couldn’t believe that it was humanly possible to love so much. No one knew me as well as he did.  No one knew all my secrets like he did.  No one but God knew the meaning of his existence to me. No one could ever hurt me the way he did because no one would ever possibly love me like that again.

We shared a special song. It was initiated and stamped such on some hot summer day at The Lake.  I remember that special day very well, the area was completely green including the lake with its hyacinth.  We climbed to the middle of our favourite hill where we would sit and undress each other with questions.  It was normal, we were always getting to know each other.  We talked till it got dark.  We talked till all self consciousness was lost.  We talked till it was as if we were one till we got up and walked down from the middle of the hill hand in hand but infused as one.  

No one would ever have so much information on me like that again. He knew me like the back of his hand and I could read him like a book blindfolded.

We had a special dance.  I remember it so well.  R Kelly would be blasting on the music player,  it could be raining, sunny, a night at home alone or a night of perpetual entertainment.  We were in constant entertainment mode.  I would cook up a storm, he would come into the kitchen and talk to me as I stirred in tomatoes as he poured a glass of wine for me and a mug of beer for himself.  The kitchen would become a mini party in itself and as usual the company would arrive before everything was done because the mini party in the kitchen sent a mood throughout the house that rendered a pause to the preparations.

He appreciated the way I danced and every movement in his body was a dance to me. Our life was a life full of ceremonious dance, dances of a different nature dances of different traditions.

We shared a secret.  A secret only God knew. I remember that secret it ate away at my heart in times of sole reflection.  It bound me closer to him in times of intimate bonding.  It nearly tore me apart during the great separation.

He loved my ability to love him thoroughly secret and all.  I was his soul mate the secret was imprinted in my inner soul.

Our disagreements were legendary.  It could never have been any other way. Two passionate people with a need for each other, completely in passion with each other, selfishly lacking peripheral vision when it came to the goings on around them  heck, we had created the meaning of fun and were able to incorporate our family which constantly surrounded us into that wonderful aura.

We loved each other so much that hurting each other became inevitable.

As time went on, as the investment in each other began to depreciate, things appeared to fall apart but that was because the sum of the equation above equalled two strong willed people who loved each other to the point that the divide that occurred and separated us was so powerful that the smell the blood was pungently strong and clearly evident in the air.

We were so happy together that the change in the status quo of the state of affairs in both our lives took a turn that would equate 180 degrees, a turn that spiralled us both of into an illusion of reality but a definite state of denial.

In all this regardless of what anyone leads you to believe, we loved each other with so much energy and passion that it remains in my heart because God has chosen to better place it there. 

His name was Eddie, known to me as Edwimbi amongst other loving names I gave him depending on the situation at the time. He is Admire.  He is better known as the love of my life.   He is in my heart because he no longer walks this earth but his spirit continues to tug at my heart because it is better placed there.

My advice to women who are married to men of their youth and who are their youth, cherish that man of your youth because it is God who has given him to you.  In this time of all out war against marriage, fight for that man of your youth, never let the devil win possession of him. Humble yourself to that man of your youth he should feel that he is the head of the house, then jezebel can never stick her thick claws into his skin rendering him hapless, sucking his life slowly out of him.

For me, I will never again feel the love he had for me.  I could feel it even as I finally fought for him, even as I finally woke up to the challenge.  I don’t think the timing was wrong I could feel it even though I finally fought for him at his death.

Our meeting was unexpected, he had what I needed, I was all he needed.  We were happy together, we loved each other with a passion that was flammable that hurting each other was inevitable.  He made me feel beautiful and that was because he told me so everyday and he was beautiful because God created him that way.  The chapter has closed to the glory of God the Father and Lord knows I loved that man. 

Até logo Edwimbi, you are etched in my heart and yes you were the man of my youth, that’s a good  thing , God gave you to me and yes you were a major chapter in my life and I enjoyed it fully!

Hello world!

28 04 2012

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