My dream!

29 04 2012

I was expected to travel to the United States with all the children for 3 months and Eddie was to be left behind.  We were in a kitchen and I was opening cupboards showing him all the food I had shopped for, and gave him all the money I was leaving with him to sustain him for three months.  I remember looking at him and thinking, wow, he is looking a lot better and no longer as thin as he was when I last saw him.  I remember appreciating that he was looking like the good old days.

We were on a porch, it was an extremely beautiful and brilliantly sunny day.   He suddenly sat down on the ledge and looked at me with such a sadness that tore at the core of my heart.  I asked him what the matter was.  He just started silently crying, tears streaming down his face, crying so much that it was breaking my heart, hurting me to the core of my stomach.  I told him not to worry I would be back but in my heart even before he cried I was intending on deciding on my trip whether to come back or not.  You see, I had all the pain of all the things I had gone through with this man but his cry made me feel that abandoning him was not an option.

I tried to reassure him again the way I used to in the old days when reassurance was in order in other circumstances. “ I promise Eddie, I will be back,” but he continued to cry and finally said that he knows I will not be back.  I took his hand so that he could stand up and I hugged him holding him close to me as he continued to cry bitterly, whispering in his ear that I would be back. 

Then I immediately woke up, startled, my heart racing and in shock, to the realization that Eddie is dead.  I couldn’t believe it because it was as if he really was there and I was looking at him and I was touching him at some point in the dream, I was in a happy space, I could feel it, but Eddie is dead.  It is only when I woke up and I realized that Eddie is not alive that I became frightened.  You see, this is one of a number  of dreams about Eddie that I have had recently where it so vivid, so real.

With a mixture of fright and sadness, I exercised my faith and immediately cancelled the dream, in Jesus’ name.  With shame and a seeping anger I whispered, “Eddie go and rest”.  When I wasn’t convinced that he had not left my space I raised my voice a tad and again said, “Eddie go and rest, go away.”  Leaving me with a heart wrenching pain that threatened to overtake me, over power me to the point where a full analysis of my life up to now was required.

The debate then began with God, a debate whose length of time I do not know because it went on and on.  I screamed through my inner soul, the question, WHY, to God.  I pleaded through a pain that shook my body from the souls of my feel to the top of my head picturing that pain unceremoniously shaking God who was in front of me, shaking Him with my hands  with my demand to know the answer now, type of attitude.  Expecting pity and a typical human reply, God’s answer was thrown back to me in question form.   “Be honest, not emotional, but truly honest, look at yourself and your space, look at your dreams and your ambitions, look at your self-centered ness and your pick up and go attitude, if Eddie was with you there walking the earth and all that has happened was not in visual proximity, can you truthfully say it would have worked out with you today?  Relinquish the emotion and stand in front of Me as you are, release the would have, should have, could have, this is Me you are talking to, who knows you more than you know yourself, even though you used to lie to yourself telling yourself Eddie knew you more than you knew yourself, if Eddie called you today and you did not have visual proximity of what has happened, would you truthfully, without hesitation, drop everything and open your arms in welcome?   I know before all this happened, you had been sending prayers for restoration, prayers for love, I heard all of them, but Me, I listen to the soul, My ears feel the spirit.  I know you loved Eddie and he loved you in return, My question to you, was that enough for you?  You have visual proximity now, there is no punishment, there is no condemnation at least not from Me, My question to you is, why do you continue to punish yourself, why do you continue in condemnation of yourself, My beloved child?

Then it suddenly dawned on me that it is not Eddie who has died who is holding on to me.  It is me who is holding on to Eddie who has died. 

I am holding on to Eddie because there is a legacy of un-resolved issues that caused pain to both of us.  I am holding on to Eddie because I feel aggrieved, angry and bitter.  I am holding on to Eddie because even though he was long gone when he was alive, I would not release him.  I am holding on to Eddie because I owed him many apologies that I would dare not give him whilst he was still in existence.  I am holding on to Eddie because he left behind evidence that I feel should bow down in reverence to me.  I am holding on to Eddie because denial continues to be my best friend.  I am holding on to Eddie because I am not allowing the grieving process to take its course.  I am holding on to Eddie because in my own mind to let him go is to admit to myself that truly in death there is a change and that change does not incorporate memories of anything that was planted, that was nurtured, that as we who are living hold on to those who have died to this world, we do so with the hope of reuniting and reviving that which has faded away forever. 

Finally, I am holding on to Eddie because truthfully speaking it feels like an abomination to say he is dead!




One response

14 05 2012

Ah Sibo! 😦

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