Sleep has become so elusive

29 04 2012

Sleep has become so elusive.  These days I take this to be part of ageing.  My reasoning on this is because when you get to this stage in life although you supposedly have so much admirable wisdom, you also harbour demons you fear to face.  You therefore spend the whole of daylight in full force busy-ness, using various innovative tools and techniques to keep your eyes open; praying that an unsolicited episode of rapid onset  “power” nap will not be noticed by those for whom sleep is a blessing.

In my wet behind the ear days, I used to pity those blessed with wisdom, thinking that all that experience drained them of the energy I enjoyed at the time. Now I know the truth.  The truth is that sleeps evades us who have witnessed history in the making.  It’s not an inability to close ones eye to it but a refusal to confront and deal with the uncomfortable realities of things, most times, a situation of our own doing and making.  Sleep brings with it all the worries that the procrastinator in you has swept under the carpet.  It sometimes can be well spent literally bargaining with God till the morning hours.  This hectic battle brings amazing truth to the saying,   “it is darkest before the dawn”.   Some of us even get  so desperate for this vital part of our human lives that in desperation we down sleeping pills; drink one for the road; count sheep; exercise to the tune of exhaustion; read self help books; Google away the hours; post inspirations on face book; and tweet at “ungodly” hours, even though the spread of social media gives us the confidence that although our friends in our immediate vicinity may have drifted off into luxurious bliss, the others on the other side of the world who are apt to note the time difference follow your tweet-ful inspiration with misunderstood pity.   Unfortunately what gives you away to those who embrace the same time zone as yourself are:  the deep bags under your eyes that threaten to appear as if empowered you, are nurturing an abusive relationship.  The solution for you then is to spend a major proportion of your earnings on those deep seaweed facials on a monthly or sometimes depending on what you are dealing with that you are allowing to have power over you, on a bi-weekly basis.  The funny thing is that you continue in your warped problem solving analysis addressing symptoms even when you know good  and well that the problem tree you consulted, you know the one, the one you constructed, has reminded you what you keep shovelling in the cupboard as SO not a truth.  So you skirt around the log frame, continually beautifying the contextual analysis; identifying the imagined realities; abhorring the clarity; weighing  self designed options that are masked and developed to ensure minimum discomfort ( for the fainthearted) this is recognised as DENIAL.  You agree purported solutions with yourself formulated into an elaborate action plan; laid out in detail; addressing possible obstacles; with smart contingency plans that are loaded with “what ifs” and “just in cases”.  Your short term solution is continually evolved into many short term solutions.  Your life takes the shape of a monumental mess and it is at this point that you realise that your mistrust in addressing the reality has deprived you of the privilege of a long term solution and then it clicks many dark circles; bleeding ulcers; high blood pressure episodes; tension headaches; panic attacks later that, YES, sleep is elusive and that is because that is of your own design.  `




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