Friday, 23 December 2016

25 12 2016

The Christmas tree is still in the garage, in another country from me. That was my first waking thought today. You know who was trying to capture my thoughts of the day even after a midnight battle and counsel session in the spirit but guess what joy cometh in the morning says the LORD and the Holy Spirit comforted me with that as well as Deuteronomy 30:1-10 which I am blessed to receive, thank You Jesus! Today is my day and it is Esther fast day 1, I undertake to keep this positive thought trend through this day, Lord stay with me, Jesus hold take captive of my thoughts, Holy Spirit Your arms around me. Well Esther Fast day `1 was going well until the chocolate bar one cupcakes cakes caught my eye as we shopped for the really bare necessities and the question of the motivation for the fast, the thought that next week will be a group undertaking of the same fast and how tragic it would be to store those cupcakes in a fridge in an environment where my son who is not fasting and is my twin in the chocolate arena. Well, chocolate cupcakes and Esther fast aside, I thank God for the small things which He says He perfects into bigger things, today I experienced what used to wrench my heart when I went food shopping. Today I was the spectator, the support system and audience buying food, balancing the coins with the potential spread of the items measured against the timeline of those potential contributors limited to monthly contributors.  I had prayed for provision and grace the midnight before yet I was in a food store, counting capacity and ability based on financials and not on God. I was painstakingly wishing our resources would enable a mediocre Christmas dish, trying to convince my daughter she should not worry about me on Christmas day and spend the day with her father and his family while trying to shelve the thought of being alone in her apartment, alone, grandchildless,   childless and downing my sorrows with tea with milk and the future fear of future humanless Christmases. God did not feature in these macabre scenarios yet I was still on an Esther Fast.  As we neared the cash register, for once in my life since childhood it was I who asked if I could have the chocolate cupcakes, enquiring from my daughter if she had enough, feeling guilty that I was asking for a luxury in a need based situation and feeling self conscious with wonder if someone else was wishing they could pay for our less than quarter filled trolley of groceries as a gesture as they pushed their full to capacity trolley behind us. I wonder if anyone’s heart strings threatened to burst through their chest wall as they placed each item of wants on the cash register platform as they stole glances at us as we placed each careful need and one want. I wonder if I looked anxious to those around me as I stole glances at my daughter who appeared completely relaxed or was it a show for me, as she presented her bank card for payment and as the system took ages to process. Did I look relieved when the system said “approved”? I wonder if people glanced at us with a wish to do something for us as we stood at the bus stop in the sweltering heat, under the bus shade with a folded baby push chair, a mobile infant who was restless and whom we were battling to restrain from running into the busy road, a back pack and two hand loads of groceries?  We arrived home to find my son waiting for us with a full box load of household cleaning items given to him as a Christmas gift from his place of work, we thank God. We drank tea, ate chocolate cupcakes ending the Esther Fast abruptly. It is the small things that I never really took note of to thank God for and this day humbled me. Thank You Heavenly Father for the provision of food, for blessing Thabiso with a box full of items that can easily last 4 months and for the amazing bus ride.

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