Friday, 23 December 2016

25 12 2016

The Christmas tree is still in the garage, in another country from me. That was my first waking thought today. You know who was trying to capture my thoughts of the day even after a midnight battle and counsel session in the spirit but guess what joy cometh in the morning says the LORD and the Holy Spirit comforted me with that as well as Deuteronomy 30:1-10 which I am blessed to receive, thank You Jesus! Today is my day and it is Esther fast day 1, I undertake to keep this positive thought trend through this day, Lord stay with me, Jesus hold take captive of my thoughts, Holy Spirit Your arms around me. Well Esther Fast day `1 was going well until the chocolate bar one cupcakes cakes caught my eye as we shopped for the really bare necessities and the question of the motivation for the fast, the thought that next week will be a group undertaking of the same fast and how tragic it would be to store those cupcakes in a fridge in an environment where my son who is not fasting and is my twin in the chocolate arena. Well, chocolate cupcakes and Esther fast aside, I thank God for the small things which He says He perfects into bigger things, today I experienced what used to wrench my heart when I went food shopping. Today I was the spectator, the support system and audience buying food, balancing the coins with the potential spread of the items measured against the timeline of those potential contributors limited to monthly contributors.  I had prayed for provision and grace the midnight before yet I was in a food store, counting capacity and ability based on financials and not on God. I was painstakingly wishing our resources would enable a mediocre Christmas dish, trying to convince my daughter she should not worry about me on Christmas day and spend the day with her father and his family while trying to shelve the thought of being alone in her apartment, alone, grandchildless,   childless and downing my sorrows with tea with milk and the future fear of future humanless Christmases. God did not feature in these macabre scenarios yet I was still on an Esther Fast.  As we neared the cash register, for once in my life since childhood it was I who asked if I could have the chocolate cupcakes, enquiring from my daughter if she had enough, feeling guilty that I was asking for a luxury in a need based situation and feeling self conscious with wonder if someone else was wishing they could pay for our less than quarter filled trolley of groceries as a gesture as they pushed their full to capacity trolley behind us. I wonder if anyone’s heart strings threatened to burst through their chest wall as they placed each item of wants on the cash register platform as they stole glances at us as we placed each careful need and one want. I wonder if I looked anxious to those around me as I stole glances at my daughter who appeared completely relaxed or was it a show for me, as she presented her bank card for payment and as the system took ages to process. Did I look relieved when the system said “approved”? I wonder if people glanced at us with a wish to do something for us as we stood at the bus stop in the sweltering heat, under the bus shade with a folded baby push chair, a mobile infant who was restless and whom we were battling to restrain from running into the busy road, a back pack and two hand loads of groceries?  We arrived home to find my son waiting for us with a full box load of household cleaning items given to him as a Christmas gift from his place of work, we thank God. We drank tea, ate chocolate cupcakes ending the Esther Fast abruptly. It is the small things that I never really took note of to thank God for and this day humbled me. Thank You Heavenly Father for the provision of food, for blessing Thabiso with a box full of items that can easily last 4 months and for the amazing bus ride.


Saturday, 24 December 2016

25 12 2016

It’s Christmas Eve.  In the past the excitement of this day would have threatened to overtake me so much that the wine would literally be spilling by 12 pm, I would literally be moving around with an ear to ear smile plastered on my face that I would excitedly share with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Today is very different, it is another day, I do not see a difference, and I do not feel a difference. I have become part of the group I used to shower with pity, a group I used to look down upon with disbelief and disdain wondering how someone can possibly not find that excitement to revel in the magic of Christmas. I could not fathom the truth to statistics that report that there is an increase in the number of suicides during the festive season. I could not comprehend how anyone could near drown in sadness and loneliness, for goodness sakes even the homeless greeted you with hope for a future but I see this day in a different light today and I am reminded of when I went to Oxford for a work induction in 2000 and spent a 6 weeks period there up to the Christmas shopping season. I remember watching as the elderly who generally lived alone in apartments, spent hours on end looking out of long windows, taking walks in the freezing cold weather daily to the local supermarkets, looking so heartbreakingly alone, clothed in their thoughts, probably reminiscing in full day dream throttle of their past that played out on the same pavements that they now shuffle through in solitude with their diverse walking aids, with heavy winter coats from another era and heavy hearts loaded with the visions of another era. Today I wake up grateful for the porridge I am eating, in my daughter’s one bedroom, 3rd floor apartment, with a clear view of the N1 highway, across the street from three churches, a taxi rank, Pakistani, West African and other shops, in front of McDonalds,  behind Kentucky Fried Chicken and the new Chinese Mall, with my 2 out of 3 children, the 3rd re-building torn family relations in my country of birth, my grandchild on this cold rainy day which mirrors the cold rain of London on the day before Christmas.

The Power of Woman

13 08 2016

Behold, the multi-tasker! This is woman, the caregiver, the educator, the nation builder, the emotive listening machine, the strategist, the role model, the perpetual scapegoat? This is woman, the mother, the lover, the sister, the wife, the jack of all trades, the long suffering girlfriend? This is woman, your strength, your shoulder to lean on, your practical side, your sounding board, your punching bag? Much respect, this is woman, you know the one, the one who sees right through you every time!

Power over!

17 03 2013
Shift change of gear, yoh, my breath has nearly been taken away, all the work I have invested in the renewal of my mind nearly came crashing down. Pick myself up, dust the unwarrented shame off, but Lord knows, deserve this, I do not . Evaluate, reminder, I am more than a conqueror, a woman of valor, wonderfully made, gracefully put together so I put on the brakes, self introspection. I still bleed the same, I pinch my self and feel the same pain, but yoh, you have tried to take me back a thousand steps. Open the Word, remind myself, who I am, and who I wish you would be, I breath and I remove those shackles. I am who He has made me to be this has not changed, I can no longer live to please you but yoh, almost lost it. I shift down the gears, back to beyond neutral, put it back on cruise control, back to normal. My God is in control. I will never allow you to instill your insecurities in me, even if you are a person who is supposed to be in authority. I take complete control of my life and only say, yes, to the One who is who He is. I look to Him and He is higher than the hills. He is the one whom no one can be. Breath, it is well is, it is not about you anymore, it is about my relationship with God and I was only loaned to you and that is still a given. I forgive you!


Athletically aging ungracefully

23 02 2013

Reflection:- i don’t know if you will understand. For me to exude self esteem and self confidence I have to pull it from as deep as my gut. It is not like as early as a couple of years ago when those two behaviors used to pore out of me like sweat on a humid day. These days I literally work extremely hard to feel that they are a part of me. You see, the reason is very simple it is called aging the way of the female especially where you have always taken for granted certain elements in your life. You try not to take the reflection in the mirror too personal and you try not to dramatize the stare of a brother who is more than half your age into a number issue. You try to keep it together by pretending to yourself daily that it isn’t what it is. So you develop the exterior similar to the shell of a turtle, the result you cannot distinguish yourself from the devil who wears Prada!

What you see is what you get

22 02 2013

Even if I have suspicion that I get too attached to people and I am accused of loving too much or proclaimed to put faith in people before really analyzing their worthiness as some say, I would rather let my heart break because I have felt a moving love and humble compassion from someone. I would rather hear a homeless person say, “God bless you” to me. I would rather be a positive contributor to your climb out of a difficult situation. I would rather run the race with you next to me only giving in when God removes you into wonderful glory. I would rather say I knew you as you were and I still knew you in your elevation. I would rather you left knowing deep down in your heart you knew that I honestly truly heart breakingly cared enough to secure your stability and that I did it only for the glory of God! I am who I am and what you see is what you get and it doesn’t get any better than this but God loves me!

Comforting Love Yielding Divine Eternity

8 05 2012

He was brought into my life for a reason.  How I met him did not make logical sense.

 He arrived when the darkness was so thick, visibility zero.  My sense of direction had ceased to exist, my sense of purpose dwindling fast. I simply lacked peripheral vision, the mountains were too many, the will to move them nonexistent.  To say I was lost is an understatement, I was so deep in mire, and I had lost the way.  The reflection in the mirror and the never ending internal turmoil simply did not equate.

When he arrived I had minus zero self- esteem, very little self -confidence to show for myself and floated around in a shell that was blessed to be fit and active, all by the grace of God. To say I was a mess, is a perpetual understatement.  I hated myself and covered it all up with manicures, pedicures, haute couture, coiffed weaves, intensive facials and huge sunglasses that covered the sadness of my eyes.  What the world didn’t know is that I did not cry in my room, I cried in the car everywhere I went. I was keeping up appearances, I felt as translucent as Saran wrap.

Friday night was, me, night.  I was partying hard by myself.  Managing my music like a professional disc jockey. Categorizing my musical options from fast paced deep lyrics with major hit at home reality to old school, good at hitting you deep in the pit of the stomach to heart wrenching, soul stirring let me give you peace, you are not in the right state of mind, gospel.  Then I would plead on my knees, fall into a deep sleep and wake up to the same eerie dark, mire filled existence.  I wanted it to end.

He began slowly without judgment, he worked like a builder.  He strengthened my core, developed my inner strength, moulded my soul, and worked God into every situational circumstance I was in.  God worked through him to move me from the dead man walking syndrome to the woman of impact radiating life.

Through him God changed my perspective on life, reduced the negativities, showed me different perspectives, refused to not believe in me and stripped me down to a nakedness I only showed to myself.  He exhausted me until I made positive choices, I made a decision that I was not made for the darkness and it was not meant for me.

I fell in love with this man.  A love so deep that was beyond any understanding.  The love I felt for this man was not just of the regular physical, I need to see him everyday type of love.  I felt his love and had love even when I was distances away. 

When it was time for him to leave, to move on he had finished his work here and God moved him on to continue possibly with another lost soul, I threw a down right fit.  I couldn’t see how I would live without him.  I pulled out my musical options only this time I tuned the old school lyrics of Luther, Marvin, Stevie, SWV, Aretha and Aaliyah, then I looked up to the stars in the night floating one by one into the clouds only to disappear and I realized he had finished toiling for God on my behalf because I was exactly where God wanted me to be, for now.  I finally knew truly and confirmed I belonged to Jesus and my trust should be on Him and not man. I now look in the mirror and the reflection equates my inner soul.

 Solong for now to my friend.   Just for you to know, he is my comforting love yielding divine eternity and he works for God.